o there I was, just minding my own business, driving to the gym, having packed my workout gear into my duffel bag and having jumped into my really cool ride. I was speeding away from home, and my wife-- whom I had left as she did tasks on our computer, doing whom knows what.
This is a true story.
When I got about halfway to said gym, ready to buff my body into insane proportions (if I do say so myself), a thought entered my mind. (Who knew this was possible, while traveling at such a high rate of speed?) The thought, innocent enough, was this: OH MY FUCKING GOD, YOU LEFT THAT GAY MUSCLEMAN PORN PICTURE YOU PRINTED, ON THE CREDENZA BEHIND THE DESK! Behind the desk where the aforementioned wife was probably still working at the aforementioned computer, doing whom knows what.
You see, Curious Web Surfer, Yours Truly (Seanny, for short) used to be married. I’ve even produced progeny with her help (although during said acts of reproduction, I was thinking about muscular men. Eventually I concluded something about that just wasn’t right. So we divorced. But decidedly NOT when this story takes place. No, when this story takes place I was decidedly still in the closet. Go figure.)
Earlier on this particular day, wifey had been decidedly absent, running errands, shopping, or perhaps having her nails done. Whom knows. So, while said wife was gone, I had taken the opportunity to peruse multiple gay muscle porn websites (as I am wont to do)— and even print out one particular picture that struck a particular erotic muscle chord with me.
But, as I mentioned above, I had left said printout on the credenza (on which the printer sat) behind the desk. All my wife had to do was to TURN AROUND and gander near said printer, and voila! She’d see the object of my sexual affections.
So, I took the next street, turned around and B-lined it for home. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but wifey, still diligent at the computer, intent on whom knows what. She hadn’t printed anything out. She hadn’t even turned around! There sat my pic— not unlike today’s pic of Chris Wide, engaged in all kinds of homosexual climax— next to the printer. In PLAIN view.
“Did you forget something?” wifey asked, without looking up from whatever it was she was working on (to end a sentence in a proposition).
“Uh, yeah,” I feigned. “I forgot… uh, my jock strap. Yeah, that’s it. I forgot my jock strap.”
She typed away, unimpressed by my presence. I nabbed said affront to my attempts to stay closeted, stuffed the "document" into my duffel, and returned to my car (a Dodge Intrepid. Yeah, I was really cool).
"WHY," the CWS is asking, "is Seanny sharing all of this, with us well-meaning and comparatively innocent CWSs?" Well: because.
Because: I wanted you all to know that I KNOW what it’s like to live a closeted life: You have to plan, cover your tracks, elude, hide, and do all kinds of subversive, less-than-forthright things to conceal who you really are. It can be a real challenge.
That said, I realize that the simple act of BUYING MY BOOKS on amazon.com’s site might be a bit problematic. If your wife, or girlfriend, or someone, is as snoopy as mine was, you can’t leave ANY clues about your purchases. All purchases must be in cash, so that the credit card statement doesn’t leave a paper trail of your clandestine activities.
So, if you are wanting to buy my books on amazon.com, but haven’t figured out how to do it, I have a solution for you!
And here it is: Go to your local grocery store and find the GIFT CARD display. There, find the AMAZON.COM gift cards. Note: Do NOT purchase a VISA or MASTERCARD gift card, nor any of the for-fee cards. If you buy an amazon.com card, there is no fee, nor do you have to give any personal information, nor do you have to register the card.
After you buy said card (having loaded it with, say, the minimum of $25— by paying cash at the register), go home and create a BRAND NEW amazon.com profile. WAIT! Before you do that, you’ll need to create a dummy email account as well (if you haven’t already done so to procure less-than-honorable Internet services). You’ll want to use this new, subversive, email account with your new amazon persona. [HINT: When you're doing all of this secret stuff, use a different web browser than you usually do-- one that wifey wouldn't know to access. That way, it won’t COOKIE you with the wrong persona.]
Okay… After you create your NEW amazon.com persona, grab the previously cash-purchased amazon.com Gift Card and LOAD it onto your amazon.com account. Voila! Now you can buy anything you want! No one will know! FINAL NOTE: Make sure to SIGN OUT of your new, subversive, amazon.com account when you are done— even if you use a different browser. Also, make sure your browser doesn’t auto-fill your information into the fields that appear when you re-log-in! (SO much stuff to remember in this age of electronic wonderfulness!)
Now that we have THAT accomplished, if you use this method to procure said prohibited Seanny erotica (OR EVEN IF YOU DON’T), won’t you please “repay” me by returning to the amazon.com page where you buy said Seanny erotica, and leave a comment! COMMENTS are the lifeline of amazon authors. We NEED reviews (hopefully positive!) from buyers such as you, so that other PROSPECTIVE buyers will not feel like they’re going out on a limb.
I appreciate any help you care to give me! Thank you so much!